The Charisma Gap Between Drunk & Sober You

The Charisma Gap Between Drunk & Sober You

Like most guys I found that girls generally reacted better to me after I drank a few beers. So when I started going out and seriously trying to improve my ability to talk to girls, I had one major question..

Could I ever be as outgoing, confident and funny sober as I was after a few beers?

I was unsure of the answer and it bothered me, but there was only one way to know for sure. I went out five nights a week, for 18 months straight, and talked to thousands of women. 95% of the time I was dead sober. It didn’t take me all that long to figure out an answer to my question: after six months I could confidently say that I was just as good dead sober as I was after three beers. In fact, in many ways I was better. While drinking is an awesome social lubricant and a brilliant way to fast-track the interaction to the bedroom, it has a few drawbacks.

  • If you get too sloppy girls tend to blow you off. Most (not all) girls are not that interested in going home with a guy who his slurring his words and tripping over himself. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be that extreme. If she senses you’ve had a few beers and you’re buzzing from that, she’s not interested.
  • Walking up to a girl at the bar, creating a bond, dealing with logistics and leading her to the bedroom is not always simple. There’s a lot that can go wrong. If you’re drinking there’s a higher chance that you make a stupid mistake.
  • There’s the boring truth that drinking is bad for you and it’s expensive. A beer in New York is $8. If you go out a lot those expenses add up.

So here it is. Based on my experience, starting from a point where I was so nervous my knees were shaking, I guarantee you that you can unlock your charismatic side without a drop of alcohol. It will take a while, you’re going to go through some bullshit and there will be some shitty nights. However, you can do it and it doesn’t take that long (in the grand scheme). So get out there, start talking to girls and make something happen!

3 Things that Every Guy Can Do to be More Attractive

3 Things that Every Guy Can Do to be More Attractive

Transforming yourself into a guy that women fight over can take years, even if you devote considerable energy to it. In the last 18 months I’ve talked to thousands of women and I’m still a long, long way from being all that I’m capable of. However, thinking short term, there are three simple changes that you can make today which will have an immediate impact on how women view you.

1 – Stand Up Like you Deserve to Exist

Tom Hardy has excellent posture without looking like a drill sergeant

Cool guys have great posture. They walk with their shoulders back, chest out and head back. A good rule of thumb, suggested by Wade Alters, is that your chin should never extend past your chest. Tilting your head towards a girl when you’re in conversation is called pecking, a big turn off. Champions maintain straight posture and get closer to a girl with their entire body.

While good posture is paramount it’s possible to go too far. Ramrod straight, walking like you have a stick up your ass. This isn’t much better than poor posture. To get the proper posture, pull your shoulders all the way back, stick out your chest and bring your head as far back as it will go. Then relax everything by 20%, this should result in a confident stance that feels comfortable.

2 – It’s About Your Tonality, not What You Say

There are three types of tonality: trying for rapport, neutral and breaking rapport. When you’re speaking with women it’s best to use neutral or breaking rapport. These tones unconsciously display that you’re not worried about her approval and confident in expressing yourself. Trying for rapport is the worst. Nothing says let’s just be friends like a guy who uses trying for rapport a lot.

Like over-the-top posture you can take this too far. I’ve found that if you use nothing but breaking rapport it can push the girl away. It’s a commanding tone that is attractive in small doses but irritating if overused. Besides talking to girls, it’s useful to be aware of vocal tonality in all aspects of life. For instance, if you need to get people to listen to you, breaking rapport is the best way to capture attention.

3 – Look Her in the Eye

You’re aware that eye contact is important, but what grade would you give yourself on it? It’s a tricky thing to master because we often break eye contact without meaning to. Even though it’s sometimes impossible to control in the moment, the instinct to look away can be gradually eradicated. The more time you spend talking to girls, the more conscious effort you put into eye contact, the longer you’ll be able to hold it. I’ve even found that you can overdo it until girls say things like,

Why are you being creepy!” or “Stop looking at me like that!” 

This is good! It’s 10x better to have a girl feel uncomfortable because of your intense eye contact, versus her thinking that you’re a weak-beta-bitch because you can’t look her in the eye. Once you get to the point where your eye contact is fantastic, you can back off a bit and get into that sweet zone. It takes practice but the payoffs are enormous.

Can You Get Laid if you’re not Good Looking?

Can you get laid if you're not good looking?

In a word, yes. Looks are way less important to women than they are to men. Here are some things that matter more (by no means an exhaustive list).

  • Confidence. Confidence is the guy equivalent of boobs. Girls respond positively to it regardless of what you look like. Shape yourself into a guy who is confident around women (The Secret of Using Social Pressure to Build Confidence) and women will love you for it.
  • Social status. Women like guys in leadership positions. This can be especially prevalent in the workplace, where a woman may date her boss or her boss’s boss, even though she wouldn’t look twice at him in a bar. Contextual social status can do wonders for a guy’s ability to get laid.
  • Wealth. Ignoring gold diggers, I suspect that the real power of wealth comes from its ability to create confidence. A wealthy guy can drive a car he loves, eat out anywhere without looking at the menu and fly first class. This can impart a natural swagger which women are drawn to.

If Nick Vujicic can do it, you can too

The great thing about these three attraction mechanisms is that they’re unrelated to how physically attractive you are. Every guy can improve himself in any of these areas. Further, every guy has at least some control over his appearance.

  • Go to the gym, lose the fat and build muscle.
  • Dress better. Women, consciously or otherwise, take note of what a guy is wearing.
  • Improve your nonverbal communication. Great posture, good eye contact, good voice tonality.

Nobody is hopeless. It doesn’t matter what you look like, you can enjoy a better sex life than James Bond. Optimize your appearance then focus on things that matter, like confidence and social status. Perhaps most importantly, remember that your thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think that you can’t get laid because you aren’t tall or good looking, women will be happy to oblige that reality. If you believe that looks don’t matter and that you’re the shit, women will think the same and they’ll want to be a part of your life.