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The Charisma Gap Between Drunk & Sober You

The Charisma Gap Between Drunk & Sober You

Like most guys I found that girls generally reacted better to me after I drank a few beers. So when I started going out and seriously trying to improve my ability to talk to girls, I had one major question..

Could I ever be as outgoing, confident and funny sober as I was after a few beers?

I was unsure of the answer and it bothered me, but there was only one way to know for sure. I went out five nights a week, for 18 months straight, and talked to thousands of women. 95% of the time I was dead sober. It didn’t take me all that long to figure out an answer to my question: after six months I could confidently say that I was just as good dead sober as I was after three beers. In fact, in many ways I was better. While drinking is an awesome social lubricant and a brilliant way to fast-track the interaction to the bedroom, it has a few drawbacks.

  • If you get too sloppy girls tend to blow you off. Most (not all) girls are not that interested in going home with a guy who his slurring his words and tripping over himself. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be that extreme. If she senses you’ve had a few beers and you’re buzzing from that, she’s not interested.
  • Walking up to a girl at the bar, creating a bond, dealing with logistics and leading her to the bedroom is not always simple. There’s a lot that can go wrong. If you’re drinking there’s a higher chance that you make a stupid mistake.
  • There’s the boring truth that drinking is bad for you and it’s expensive. A beer in New York is $8. If you go out a lot those expenses add up.

So here it is. Based on my experience, starting from a point where I was so nervous my knees were shaking, I guarantee you that you can unlock your charismatic side without a drop of alcohol. It will take a while, you’re going to go through some bullshit and there will be some shitty nights. However, you can do it and it doesn’t take that long (in the grand scheme). So get out there, start talking to girls and make something happen!

Are You Stuck? Change Your Beliefs to Change Your Life

Are You Stuck? Change Your Beliefs to Change Your Life - Alpha Doctrine

I’ll make a wager with you, let’s risk $10. My bet is that you have not consciously chosen the beliefs that are dictating your success, happiness and way of interacting with other humans. That’s unfortunate.. If you do nothing about it the consequences will be dire, a mediocre life! Thankfully it’s not that hard to make a change. This article looks at how beliefs work, an easy way to crowdsource better beliefs and how to adopt them.

Why We Have Beliefs and Where They Come From

Life would be too overwhelming if our brains didn’t filter our experiences through a set of beliefs. These beliefs allow us to make sense of reality, which would be too complex otherwise. Unfortunately, in most cases we have not chosen the beliefs that we use as filters to make sense of reality. This impacts every facet of our lives because the because our beliefs determine what bits of reality we focus on.

For example, when I was a young lad I held the belief that I suck with girls. Whether not it was actually true was irrelevant, that was just what I told myself. If I talked to a girl and it went well, that didn’t fit my belief structures and the experience was tossed aside. But if I talked to a girl and I made an ass of myself, I registered and internalized the experience. I continued to reinforce the belief by cherry picking evidence.

To break free of this shit cycle I had to make a conscious change. Instead of telling myself that I suck with girls, I began telling myself that girls love me. I still was not so smooth, however, occasionally a girl would like me and I’d amp that up. I’d mentally loop that good experience, using it to strengthen the reality that girls like me. After a while I began cherry picking evidence that girls like me and discarding all evidence to the contrary. A much better situation!

This works because beliefs are subjective. Our brains don’t care whether our beliefs are empowering or shit. The brain simply needs some beliefs, any will do, and so it picks the first ones that come in. Perhaps as a child you failed a math test and now you believe you’re bad at math. Maybe in Kindergarten you had a hard time making friends so you believe you’re shy. Or you had parents who belittled your efforts so you believe that you’ll never be successful. Two big problems here.

  1. You didn’t consciously choose the belief, a random experience instilled the belief in you.
  2. These beliefs are not based on reality.

Maybe if you had taken a different math test you would have aced it and spent your life believing that you’re good at math. If you had gone to a different school the kids would have been nicer and you’d always consider yourself an extrovert. If I’d hit a home run with the first girl I met instead of striking out, I might have grown up believing that girls love me. And so forth. The way beliefs get created is so subjective it’s ridiculous. So, what the hell can we do about it?

How to Change Your Beliefs

The first step is to pick one area to focus on. For me it was girls. For you, it’s whatever matters most. What’s your number one goal? Become better at public speaking, make more friends, be happier, write better, learn to play the guitar, what? Pick one thing and focus on that. Now, name the beliefs that you have about that thing. Let’s take the guitar, here are some beliefs that a person may hold.

  • I’m not good at music, I have no rhythm.
  • Learning the guitar is too difficult for me, I fail at most things I try.
  • I’ll never be as good as my friend, he’s so amazing!
  • I can’t learn to play the guitar, nobody in my family plays an instrument.
  • This is too hard and I don’t have any natural talent.

None of these beliefs will help you to learn the guitar, you have to wipe them out and replace them with a set of empowering beliefs. For example..

  • I can learn to play the guitar.
  • I can become as good as my friend, he’s only better because he’s practiced more.
  • Practicing is way more important than having innate talent.
  • If one man can learn to do something, so can I.
  • Every time I mess something up I learn a lesson. The more mistakes I make the better I’ll get.

After you’ve picked a skill and created a new set of empowering beliefs, you may want to write them down. Refer to them often, focus on them, burn them into your cerebellum. These beliefs will become your new reality, they are what your brain will use to interpret reality. However, change isn’t going to happen overnight. In fact it might take months or years to fully inculcate these beliefs. That’s OK. At some point this new way of thinking will become automatic.

How Beliefs Work

The strength of a belief depends on how much evidence you have to support it. For example, my belief that I suck with girls was strong because I had a lifetime of cherry picked experiences to back it up. It took me more than a year, and talking to ~2,000 women to reach the point where my unconscious belief is that girls love me. You can’t change a belief by repeating an affirmation. If you tell yourself affirmations that aren’t true and don’t get experience to back them up, you’re essentially lying to yourself! For example, if you tell a depressed person to do nothing but repeat the mantra that I’m happy and life is amazing, it won’t do shit unless they go and get experience to back it up.

On the other hand, a too-common problem is that people start practicing without changing their existing beliefs. This is a recipe for early failure. Imagine that you start practicing the guitar but, subconsciously, you still believe those unhelpful things I listed above. Odds are good you won’t practice long before giving up. However, if you inculcate the new beliefs and then practice, you’ll begin to reinforce a new set of healthy beliefs and the chances that you stick with it are higher.

How to Pick the Most Effective Beliefs

It’s not always clear what the best set of beliefs is. When I’m uncertain, I like to adopt the belief structure of someone who has “made it”. For example, I know of a guy who is top 0.1% with girls, a real genius at it. He’s written extensively and I’ve spent dozens of hours reading what he has to say. From that I’ve been able to build a highly refined belief structure which I reinforce when I go out to talk to girls. Some examples.

  • I don’t look to women for happiness, no woman’s validation can make me as happy as I make myself.
  • Sex is not a big deal, it’s just an expression of fun.
  • I am the source of fun and good emotions, if a woman rejects me she’s missing the opportunity of a lifetime.
  • I’m unique and amazing, a girl would be crazy to not want to be with me.
  • I have an abundance of women in my life, no single women is too important to lose.

And so on. These are subtle, awesome ideas that may take years to internalize. But once you have them you’ll have them for life. I don’t know what area or skill you’d like to develop. However, whatever it is, surely there’s already another guy or girl who you can model yourself on. Hopefully they’ve done some interviews, written a book, written blog posts or left a mark on the world. Use that information to determine their beliefs and then inculcate them. This is a great way to adopt the proper mindset that will bring long term success.

How to Use Social Proof to Get Laid

Social proof = using advantageous circumstances to make yourself appear more attractive. Here’s a few examples of how this can play out.

Luke lives in Las Vegas and goes to the same club a couple of times a week. He’s a social guy and has made friends with the doormen, bouncers, bartenders, cocktail waitresses and the floor manager. Tiesto comes to town and Luke uses his connections at the club to get into the DJ booth. In the time it took to walk from the dance floor to the DJ booth he’s gone from average to high status. Taking advantage of this status, he hits on a girl who would normally be out of his league. He takes her home. 

DJ Booth

Get next to this guy in the club and you have instant social proof

In this scenario Luke is able to use his circumstances to create massive social proof and sleep with a beautiful girl. He’s a regular dude with a normal job but he knows how to exploit favorable circumstances to sleep with stunning women. Another example,

Brad walks into the club with Ashley. She’s an attractive women who he’s not hooking up with. They grab a drink then they both go talk to a cute girl standing nearby. This cute girl finds Brad more attractive because Ashley is giving him social proof. With minimal effort Brad ends up making out with the new girl and takes her home. Ashley goes home with one of Brad’s friends. 

Here, Brad used Ashley to convey that he’s a cool, attractive guy. When you first meet a woman she will often test you to see if you’re worthy of her attraction. Brad bypasses this step by using Ashley, which makes the whole process of going home with a cute girl much simpler. Final example,

Your buddy from college does well for himself and so he buys a nightclub. He invites you to come through and you end up spending the night at the owner’s table. There are a bunch of gorgeous girls around and they treat you like royalty. They ask you questions, they laugh at your jokes, they flirt with you. You’re still the exact same person, you still have the personality and you haven’t gotten any better at game. However, the social proof of being at the owner’s table has boosted your desirability into the stratosphere.  

Using social proof to your advantage is an easy way to get laid. If you can bring platonic girl friends to the club and use them as your wingwomen, you have social proof. If you can find a way to party at tables in the club, you have social proof. If you can get into the DJ booth, you have social proof. Once you’re in these situations women find you more attractive and your odds of getting laid go way up.

*Social proof is a scientifically verified aspect of human psychology which has wide implications in a wide variety of domains, not just getting laid. Learn more here

3 Things that Every Guy Can Do to be More Attractive

3 Things that Every Guy Can Do to be More Attractive

Transforming yourself into a guy that women fight over can take years, even if you devote considerable energy to it. In the last 18 months I’ve talked to thousands of women and I’m still a long, long way from being all that I’m capable of. However, thinking short term, there are three simple changes that you can make today which will have an immediate impact on how women view you.

1 – Stand Up Like you Deserve to Exist

Tom Hardy has excellent posture without looking like a drill sergeant

Cool guys have great posture. They walk with their shoulders back, chest out and head back. A good rule of thumb, suggested by Wade Alters, is that your chin should never extend past your chest. Tilting your head towards a girl when you’re in conversation is called pecking, a big turn off. Champions maintain straight posture and get closer to a girl with their entire body.

While good posture is paramount it’s possible to go too far. Ramrod straight, walking like you have a stick up your ass. This isn’t much better than poor posture. To get the proper posture, pull your shoulders all the way back, stick out your chest and bring your head as far back as it will go. Then relax everything by 20%, this should result in a confident stance that feels comfortable.

2 – It’s About Your Tonality, not What You Say

There are three types of tonality: trying for rapport, neutral and breaking rapport. When you’re speaking with women it’s best to use neutral or breaking rapport. These tones unconsciously display that you’re not worried about her approval and confident in expressing yourself. Trying for rapport is the worst. Nothing says let’s just be friends like a guy who uses trying for rapport a lot.

Like over-the-top posture you can take this too far. I’ve found that if you use nothing but breaking rapport it can push the girl away. It’s a commanding tone that is attractive in small doses but irritating if overused. Besides talking to girls, it’s useful to be aware of vocal tonality in all aspects of life. For instance, if you need to get people to listen to you, breaking rapport is the best way to capture attention.

3 – Look Her in the Eye

You’re aware that eye contact is important, but what grade would you give yourself on it? It’s a tricky thing to master because we often break eye contact without meaning to. Even though it’s sometimes impossible to control in the moment, the instinct to look away can be gradually eradicated. The more time you spend talking to girls, the more conscious effort you put into eye contact, the longer you’ll be able to hold it. I’ve even found that you can overdo it until girls say things like,

Why are you being creepy!” or “Stop looking at me like that!” 

This is good! It’s 10x better to have a girl feel uncomfortable because of your intense eye contact, versus her thinking that you’re a weak-beta-bitch because you can’t look her in the eye. Once you get to the point where your eye contact is fantastic, you can back off a bit and get into that sweet zone. It takes practice but the payoffs are enormous.

Can You Get Laid if you’re not Good Looking?

Can you get laid if you're not good looking?

In a word, yes. Looks are way less important to women than they are to men. Here are some things that matter more (by no means an exhaustive list).

  • Confidence. Confidence is the guy equivalent of boobs. Girls respond positively to it regardless of what you look like. Shape yourself into a guy who is confident around women (The Secret of Using Social Pressure to Build Confidence) and women will love you for it.
  • Social status. Women like guys in leadership positions. This can be especially prevalent in the workplace, where a woman may date her boss or her boss’s boss, even though she wouldn’t look twice at him in a bar. Contextual social status can do wonders for a guy’s ability to get laid.
  • Wealth. Ignoring gold diggers, I suspect that the real power of wealth comes from its ability to create confidence. A wealthy guy can drive a car he loves, eat out anywhere without looking at the menu and fly first class. This can impart a natural swagger which women are drawn to.

If Nick Vujicic can do it, you can too

The great thing about these three attraction mechanisms is that they’re unrelated to how physically attractive you are. Every guy can improve himself in any of these areas. Further, every guy has at least some control over his appearance.

  • Go to the gym, lose the fat and build muscle.
  • Dress better. Women, consciously or otherwise, take note of what a guy is wearing.
  • Improve your nonverbal communication. Great posture, good eye contact, good voice tonality.

Nobody is hopeless. It doesn’t matter what you look like, you can enjoy a better sex life than James Bond. Optimize your appearance then focus on things that matter, like confidence and social status. Perhaps most importantly, remember that your thoughts become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think that you can’t get laid because you aren’t tall or good looking, women will be happy to oblige that reality. If you believe that looks don’t matter and that you’re the shit, women will think the same and they’ll want to be a part of your life.

The Secret of Using Social Pressure to Build Confidence

The Secret of Using Social Pressure to Build Confidence

Joe Rogan, riffing on social pressure, in a conversation between him and Jamie Foxx.

You also get humbled a lot, as a comedian. You gotta get those jokes, you’re performing in front of a live audience, it’s all live, it’s gotta work. – Actors don’t get a lot of that, that’s one of the reasons why they’re kind of shaky. – They don’t get a lot of that testing it live in front of people, the humility that comes with that.

Jamie Foxx says that he was lucky to get into stand up before going into acting

Rogan said that social pressure teaches humility. I think a better word would be confidence. After you’ve stood on the stage long enough you become accustomed to speaking your mind and being the center of attention. That confidence bleeds into all areas of life.

I’ve never done stand up but in the last eighteen months I’ve gone out and talked to several thousand women. Anything can happen, from getting laid to getting told to fuck off. The negative experiences are invaluable because they accustom you to strong social pressure. Normal interactions feel easy compared to hitting on attractive women at the bar.

Another benefit, you become immune to stinging comments. For example, you do something wrong on the subway and a displeased New Yorker cusses at you. If you’re unaccustomed to social pressure this offhand comment can affect your entire day. For a person who regularly puts themself on the line, a random comment is quickly forgotten.

Finally, social pressure helps you live in the moment. Because you’re regularly in uncomfortable situations, you learn that most fear is irrational. Gone is that vague current of social anxiety that plagues people.

Incorporating Social Pressure Into Your Lifestyle

The bar is a good place to experience social pressure. You can do it anywhere and it’s free

The only thing I have personal experience with is hitting on the girls. I recommend starting here because it’s free, you don’t need to know a damn thing and you can start tonight. Go out to your local bar, walk up to the first girl you see and ask her how her night is going. However, I speculate that almost any socially challenging situation will have the same effect. Improv, comedy, singing, public speaking, etc.

You’re going to have to do it a lot though. Talking to ten girls isn’t going to do anything, one improv class isn’t going to erase your fear. Facing social pressure needs to be a regular part of your life, just like you (hopefully) go to the gym multiple times a week. If you’re ready to embrace the process and make shit happen, here’s what I recommend,

  1. Doing it at least three times a week, preferably five. It’s better to do it for 20 minutes, 5 times a week, than 4 hours one day a week.
  2. Find a friend to do it with. You can hold each other accountable.
  3. Read about other people who have transformed their lives through the skill you’re embracing. The virgin who learned how to date models or the shy guy who went on to become a famous comedian. These stories are inspiring and put a human face on activities.

How Social Pressure Shapes Your Personality

A cool guy is one who,

  • Is confident in social situations and is capable of being the center of attention without becoming self-conscious.
  • Isn’t afraid to speak his mind.
  • Is happy and brings a good vibe that people are attracted to.
  • Etc.

Social pressure teaches you to become all of these things. Regardless of how you practice it, you’re going to be forced into situations where people stare at you. At times you’ll have to speak your mind, regardless of the reaction. You’ll also be more present, as I mentioned above, because anxiety dissipates and you trust yourself to handle situations. All of these factors transform an average guy into a cooler one. To end this article I’ll quote Psycho-Cybernetics, a classic book in the self-development sphere.

The reason some people are self-conscious and awkward in social situations is simply that they are too consciously concerned, too anxious, to do the right thing. They are painfully conscious of every move they make. Every action is “thought-out.” Every word spoke is calculated for its effect. We speak of such persons as “inhibited”, and rightly so. — If these people could “let go,” stop trying, not care, and give no thought to the matter of their behavior, they could act creatively, spontaneously, and “be themselves.”

To be cool you cannot make “calculations” in social situations, you must express yourself naturally and freely. To do that that, you must become comfortable. How to become comfortable? Get a regular dose of social pressure. Can you think of any ways to do this that I haven’t listed above?

5 Ways to Never Run out of Things to Say to a Girl

Never run out of things to say to a girl

Every man is capable of conversation, nobody ever runs out of things to say to their grandma. Guys run out of things to say to a girl because they’re nervous to fully express themselves. Permanently fixing the problem comes down to talking to hundreds of women and gaining confidence in expressing your personality. However, until you reach the point of effortless conversation, here are some tips that you can apply right now.

  1. Ask lots of questions. “Interview mode” is not ideal, however, between walking away from the girl or asking a bunch of questions, go with the questions.

    “Where are you from, what do you like to do, what’s your favorite movie, where have you traveled, do you have any siblings, etc.”

  2. Free associate. Maybe you start talking about a TV show, which reminds you of watching a movie with your family so you talk about that. This reminds you of your home town and how you hated it, so you tell her about your stupid high school, and so on. The key is to be non-judgmental about what comes out of your mouth. Your words don’t have to be witty or interesting, the only criteria for success is that you keep speaking.
  3. Find something silly and make it interesting. When I was learning how to talk forever, me and my wingman would go out to the bar, hit on girls and challenge each other to talk about ridiculous shit. The key to making this work is enthusiasm. We’d say things like,

    “Holy shit, have you ever realized how amazing fire alarms are! Think about how many lives they must have saved, I’m really glad we have them.”

    Or

    “Would you just look at this nice wood bar. Think about how many people have put their beers down on it, how much action it’s seen. I think it’s incredible how many memories have been created here.”

    Is this good game? No, definitely not. However, the goal isn’t to have the best game, it’s to train yourself to feel comfortable talking about anything.

  4. Dig for commonalities

    Find something that you have in common. This is like digging for gold. You ask questions about her life until you find something that you have in common. Then you riff on that topic. In fact, this idea works well for anyone you’re talking to. If you can find a commonality you’ll instantly build more rapport and the conversation will be more interesting.

  5. Talk about whatever you enjoy most in life. This works because girls respond well to guys who speak with passion. The worst thing you can do is talk about something that you find boring. You’ll lose interest in the conversation, the girl will become bored, everything will fall apart. I enjoy traveling and I’ve been all over the world, so I typically lead the conversation in this direction. Sometimes as much as half the interaction will be us talking about where we’ve been, where we want to go and what countries we liked the best. This is my X-factor in conversation, finding your own X-factor is an easy way to extend every interaction.

No matter where you’re at, running out of things to say is something that you’re capable of overcoming. I used to have massive problems and I thought I’d never get it handled. Boy was I clueless. With these tips and enough practice you can get over this problem for good.

Getting the Cute Girl May Not Make You Happy

In Vietnam I met my ex-girlfriend, a beautiful Dutch girl. Skinny as a model, blonde hair, wonderful face. The moment I saw her I thought, Wow! I’d really love to be with a girl like that. I ended up getting my wish. For the next five months we spent every day together, living in hostels and traveling through Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand.

Me with my girlfriend

We drank a lot of beer, had sex in the ocean, on a bus, on a train, on a ferry and in a movie theater. While this was fantastic the relationship actually brought a level of anxiety into my life. I rarely felt like I was attractive enough for my girlfriend. Or, to put it another way, I felt that if she left me I would be unable to find another girl as cute as her.

Objectively that was more or less the truth. She could have found another guy in a day or two. I don’t know how long it would have taken me to find another girl like her. So how did I end up with her?

  • She was just getting out of a relationship with a fairly abusive ex-boyfriend who she was sick of. I was and continue to be a nice, decent human being and she liked that.
  • Alcohol induced confidence.
  • She was found me physically attractive, something that seems to matter less the older a girl gets.
  • She was Dutch and had a low feminine polarity.

Put that all together and I had just enough game to pull it off. However, more often than not the only time I felt totally at ease was when we were drinking or having sex. Both of these things happened every day and so the relationship worked. If we had to abstain for a week shit may have hit the fan.

Getting What you Want When You Don’t Feel Deserving

Although it really fucking cool spending time with my girlfriend, it didn’t necessarily make me any happier. The good emotions of having sex with a cute girl were balanced out by the underlying current of anxiety I felt. My inner dialogue would often be,

Oh Jesus, everyone is going to find out that I’m a poser. They’re going to see right through me and know that I don’t actually deserve to be with a girl this cute. 

That I’m aware of my ex never flirted with other guys. By any measurement she was an ideal girlfriend. She was even talking about moving to the United States with me and possibly getting married. This was a mindfuck. I couldn’t reconcile her infatuation with my own undeserved feelings.

On a logical level I tried to convince myself that I deserved her, but I never really felt like I did. I knew about game, I’d read dozens of self-help books and was a better human being than I was in college. And I knew that I shouldn’t feel so anxious about being with her but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t change how I really felt. While I loved her, after we broke up there was some degree of relief because I was no longer experiencing the anxiety and worry.

It’s been about a year since we broke up. While I wasn’t then able to fully enjoy the experience, that’s changing. As I talk to more women and get better at game, I’m destroying insecurities. The next time I date a woman that attractive I’ll feel that I deserve her and, crucially, I’ll know that should she leave, I’ll be able to find another girl as attractive.

What is SMV? (Sexual Marketplace Value)

SMV stands for Sexual Marketplace Value (how desirable you are to the opposite sex). SMV can help you to understand men and woman’s changing desirability and to pick a better long term mate when you’re ready. Section 1 provides context and Section 2 breaks it down.

1 – Matt’s Story

Matt is an ambitious 24 year old living in Miami. In university he had a couple of one night stands and two girlfriends. However, as an underling at a marketing firm he’s struggling to get laid. At the moment a majority of his sex life revolves around Pornhub.

Matt often sees older executives driving BMWs with young women and he resolves to work harder. Jenny, an attractive 28 year old, takes notice. She starts hanging around Matt and offers to have lunch with him. This escalates into drinks for dinner and they end up at his place. After a month they start dating. Matt is thrilled. Jenny is smart, sexy and she seems so cool.

“I think I’ve found a real winner!” He tells his friends and family.

A year later Matt proposes and Jenny accepts. He’s 25 and she’s 29. Jenny is happy because she’s found a man with potential to reach upper management. Matt is happy because he no longer has to worry about his sex life.

2 – The Effect of Age on the SMV of Men and Women

With a better understanding of SMV Matt may have chosen to forego marriage in his early twenties. Here’s why.

  1. Guys in their early twenties have a low SMV. That is, younger guys tend to be less attractive to women. It’s normal to go through dry spells. Just because you struggle to get laid now does not mean it will be a problem for life.
  2. Women in their twenties, particularly their early twenties, have a high SMV. They are as attractive as they’ll ever be and they typically have multiple options for sex.
  3. As men and women age the SMV of each switches. By the time a man and a woman are 30 their SMV will be the same. At 35 the values will be opposite of what they were at 25. A man now has multiple options to attract partners, especially younger, more desirable women. A 35 year old woman has less opportunities and will often complain about a lack of “dateable” men.

Sexual Marketplace Value is based on two fundamental ideas.

  1. Women prefer high status men. Usually that’s high earning, well connected, confident and/or socially desirable men. These things usually take years for a man to obtain which explains why the average male isn’t highly sought after until later in life.
  2. Men prefer young women. For most men this manifests as an attraction to women between 22 and 26 years of age.

Of course these statements are all based on averages. There are thousands of young men who successfully attract the hottest women. There are thousands of beautiful women in their thirties who still have their pick of guys. However, on average, these ideas about SMV are valid.

3 – Matt Regrets his Decision

In their twenties women usually look awesome, but that can rapidly change

After five years of marriage Matt is a confident, 29 year old executive earning $120,000 a year. He gets regular attention from the most attractive women at work. At the bar he catches women staring and wonders what has changed. At 24 he couldn’t attract a woman to save his life. Now he has multiple options. 

Meanwhile, Jenny is 34. She’s gained weight and doesn’t bother with her appearance like she used to. Matt likes Jenny but he has to admit that he isn’t attracted to her anymore. After five years she’s not nearly as good looking as when they were married. Stuck, Matt often wishes that he had put up with a few years of not getting laid. If he waited he could have enjoyed freedom to enjoy an active sex life. 

Matt isn’t real, I created him. However, there are millions of men who find themselves in a similar situation. They struggle to get laid and are quick to jump on marriage when it’s offered. It’s only later that they discover wealth, status and wisdom make them more attractive. For men our thirties are the golden age for sex, but only if we’re still single to enjoy them…

4 – TL;DR

  • Men in their early twenties (usually) have few options with women. It’s normal to have a sub-par sex life.
  • Women in their early twenties have many options. It’s normal for them to consistently get laid and to have an active dating life.
  • Around 30 the values switch. Men in their late twenties and thirties tend to sleep with and date the most desirable females. Women in their late twenties and thirties tend to lose the ability to attract the most desirable males.
  • For a male, getting married in your twenties is rarely a good idea. You’ll be committing yourself to a single woman before your SMV has reached its full potential.
  • This post is just the teaser. To fully explore the implications of SMV you’ll have to get acquainted with Rollo Tomassi over on The Rational Male blog.

How to Understand Women – 3 Books That Help

How to understand women

When seeking to understand women you must ignore her words and focus on her actions. However, you can see her actions and still be baffled. So we turn to books. These three have been instrumental in my journey of deciphering female psychology.

1. The Evolution of Desire

Women seek commitment from men

The Evolution of Desire looks at intergender relationships in terms of the propagation of the human species. Based on data from more than 10,000 people, David Buss finds that, universally, men are attracted to young, beautiful women and women are attracted to high status, powerful males. You probably knew that but it’s just the tip of the iceberg. A more interesting segment is an explanation of what matters to each sex in a relationship.

Women seek commitment and resources. These give her the best chance of successfully raising a child. Men seek the chance to sleep with multiple women, which gives them the best chance of fathering an offspring. The implications are interesting when it comes to cheating. A women will be most distraught when her partner develops strong feelings for another woman, even if he doesn’t sleep with her. A man will be most distraught when his partner sleeps with another man, even if she has no feelings for him.

2. The Way of the Superior Man

The Way of the Superior Man describes the ideal man and how women react positively to him. In order to become this man, Deida encourages men to work towards their foremost purpose in life. Sometimes that may come at the expense of time with his woman. This contradicts what many women will say they want. However, woe to the man who takes a woman’s words at face value. Women are attracted to the life force and purpose of their partner. Sacrifice that and you sacrifice the relationship. A quote from the book,

A woman sometimes seems to want to be the most important thing in her man’s life. However, if she is the most important thing, then she feels her man has made her the number one priority and is not fully dedicated or directed to divine growth and service. She will feel her man’s dependence on her for his happiness, and this will make her feel smothered by his neediness and clinging.

3. The Rational Male

Hypergamy can manifest as an attraction to a high status male who isn’t necessarily physically attractive

The Rational Male will irreversibly alter your understanding of women (and society). For example: the average male’s mistaken understanding of female attraction/love. It’s an error to use a masculine perspective to understand female desire. Unlike men, women are driven by hypergamy (the pursuit of a higher status mate). Rollo Tomassi explains how this influences mate selection, the propensity to cheat and many other intergender dynamics.

Tomassi is also responsible for popularizing the idea of SMV (Sexual Marketplace Value). SMV illustrates how the sexual desirability of men and women changes depending on age. This is a crucial concept to understand, especially for young men.

How These Books have Influenced Me

Women crave a man who won’t deviate from his life’s path for her

Ignore is bliss, except when it comes to understanding women. What you don’t know can make your life hell. While there is obviously still quite a bit I don’t understand, I now have a clearer understanding of what drives women. They want a high status mate who refuses to compromise himself.