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Getting the Cute Girl May Not Make You Happy

In Vietnam I met my ex-girlfriend, a beautiful Dutch girl. Skinny as a model, blonde hair, wonderful face. The moment I saw her I thought, Wow! I’d really love to be with a girl like that. I ended up getting my wish. For the next five months we spent every day together, living in hostels and traveling through Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand.

Me with my girlfriend

We drank a lot of beer, had sex in the ocean, on a bus, on a train, on a ferry and in a movie theater. While this was fantastic the relationship actually brought a level of anxiety into my life. I rarely felt like I was attractive enough for my girlfriend. Or, to put it another way, I felt that if she left me I would be unable to find another girl as cute as her.

Objectively that was more or less the truth. She could have found another guy in a day or two. I don’t know how long it would have taken me to find another girl like her. So how did I end up with her?

  • She was just getting out of a relationship with a fairly abusive ex-boyfriend who she was sick of. I was and continue to be a nice, decent human being and she liked that.
  • Alcohol induced confidence.
  • She was found me physically attractive, something that seems to matter less the older a girl gets.
  • She was Dutch and had a low feminine polarity.

Put that all together and I had just enough game to pull it off. However, more often than not the only time I felt totally at ease was when we were drinking or having sex. Both of these things happened every day and so the relationship worked. If we had to abstain for a week shit may have hit the fan.

Getting What you Want When You Don’t Feel Deserving

Although it really fucking cool spending time with my girlfriend, it didn’t necessarily make me any happier. The good emotions of having sex with a cute girl were balanced out by the underlying current of anxiety I felt. My inner dialogue would often be,

Oh Jesus, everyone is going to find out that I’m a poser. They’re going to see right through me and know that I don’t actually deserve to be with a girl this cute. 

That I’m aware of my ex never flirted with other guys. By any measurement she was an ideal girlfriend. She was even talking about moving to the United States with me and possibly getting married. This was a mindfuck. I couldn’t reconcile her infatuation with my own undeserved feelings.

On a logical level I tried to convince myself that I deserved her, but I never really felt like I did. I knew about game, I’d read dozens of self-help books and was a better human being than I was in college. And I knew that I shouldn’t feel so anxious about being with her but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t change how I really felt. While I loved her, after we broke up there was some degree of relief because I was no longer experiencing the anxiety and worry.

It’s been about a year since we broke up. While I wasn’t then able to fully enjoy the experience, that’s changing. As I talk to more women and get better at game, I’m destroying insecurities. The next time I date a woman that attractive I’ll feel that I deserve her and, crucially, I’ll know that should she leave, I’ll be able to find another girl as attractive.

How to Understand Women – 3 Books That Help

How to understand women

When seeking to understand women you must ignore her words and focus on her actions. However, you can see her actions and still be baffled. So we turn to books. These three have been instrumental in my journey of deciphering female psychology.

1. The Evolution of Desire

Women seek commitment from men

The Evolution of Desire looks at intergender relationships in terms of the propagation of the human species. Based on data from more than 10,000 people, David Buss finds that, universally, men are attracted to young, beautiful women and women are attracted to high status, powerful males. You probably knew that but it’s just the tip of the iceberg. A more interesting segment is an explanation of what matters to each sex in a relationship.

Women seek commitment and resources. These give her the best chance of successfully raising a child. Men seek the chance to sleep with multiple women, which gives them the best chance of fathering an offspring. The implications are interesting when it comes to cheating. A women will be most distraught when her partner develops strong feelings for another woman, even if he doesn’t sleep with her. A man will be most distraught when his partner sleeps with another man, even if she has no feelings for him.

2. The Way of the Superior Man

The Way of the Superior Man describes the ideal man and how women react positively to him. In order to become this man, Deida encourages men to work towards their foremost purpose in life. Sometimes that may come at the expense of time with his woman. This contradicts what many women will say they want. However, woe to the man who takes a woman’s words at face value. Women are attracted to the life force and purpose of their partner. Sacrifice that and you sacrifice the relationship. A quote from the book,

A woman sometimes seems to want to be the most important thing in her man’s life. However, if she is the most important thing, then she feels her man has made her the number one priority and is not fully dedicated or directed to divine growth and service. She will feel her man’s dependence on her for his happiness, and this will make her feel smothered by his neediness and clinging.

3. The Rational Male

Hypergamy can manifest as an attraction to a high status male who isn’t necessarily physically attractive

The Rational Male will irreversibly alter your understanding of women (and society). For example: the average male’s mistaken understanding of female attraction/love. It’s an error to use a masculine perspective to understand female desire. Unlike men, women are driven by hypergamy (the pursuit of a higher status mate). Rollo Tomassi explains how this influences mate selection, the propensity to cheat and many other intergender dynamics.

Tomassi is also responsible for popularizing the idea of SMV (Sexual Marketplace Value). SMV illustrates how the sexual desirability of men and women changes depending on age. This is a crucial concept to understand, especially for young men.

How These Books have Influenced Me

Women crave a man who won’t deviate from his life’s path for her

Ignore is bliss, except when it comes to understanding women. What you don’t know can make your life hell. While there is obviously still quite a bit I don’t understand, I now have a clearer understanding of what drives women. They want a high status mate who refuses to compromise himself.